Funny how sometimes suddenly I’m writing again. It never really starts with writing though, it starts with thinking or rather it starts with some kind of clarity in vision. Suddenly my brain is free enough, the light is bright enough and my eyes are wandering, seeing things they haven’t for a while. The funny thing is that as I notice the life force inside of me that wants to get out somehow, even though I’ve missed it, I feel it must be tempered. Whatever freedom the internet an the 24 hour economy has brought us, the alghoritm tells us to be so regularly structured. Since although the creative person might not work on set time, and work in bulk and continuous rhymes, the consumer wants everything bite size.
Sometimes I think I could be a brilliant writer, creatier, person if only I could bear the burden of regularity, of planning. I recently told someone that I like to be free, and he asked me what on earth did i mean, and I told him. ‘That I can do things when they come up’- it means that I’d rather be productive than succesful. That I’d rather notice than work hard to be perfectly seen.
It is still the constant trap- the succes of anything is measured how well the pictures are taken and how many likes were given. I’ve always felt that so similar to ‘real’ life, that I just don’t have it in me to be online every ones cup of tea. In the end I create all these things for me, not for anyone or anything else.
This freedom however comes with a price. Being an imperfectionist and stubbornly so, even though I’m never that upset at the level that I get to, I can’t help but wonder, what anything would come to if I had the chance to plan it out. I’ve never been someone to plan and focus and sit and observe, until I loved someone who had so much less time than me, someone who always seemed to be a little out of reach.
It’s funny what kind of space is in your head when you are waiting. Waiting for the next thing. When you are ready for things to happen but they just leave themselves to be waited on. I found myself focused- in control of the incontrolable- I found myself planning plans that weren’t mine. I found myself the architect in a piece of mind that I found because my heart was partly missing and I didn’t know how to reunite with that what I gave so willingly, but had some how turned into a prison, or rather a waiting room.
So what to do when waiting- obviously, creating. When the use of the time is already labeled as ‘waiting’, everything else you do is bonus. They say that boredome is a neccesary evil that makes one creative. Perhaps cave paintings were made as the early humans waited out a storm or were on the run from some kind of threat that couldn’t get to them where they were painting, and yet, the couldn’t leave so they decided to just be – and make something where they were.
Being impulsive, and like me no suddenly writing again has it’s peculiarities. I’m not even sure if I know what that words means and if I use it the way i intend it. I mean it has it’s eigenaardigheiden. Impulsive writing has it’s own nice litle niece little things- If you write when you are insprired, there is no planning before hand, no ‘voorpret’ it just is. And since I’m not a perfectionist and by the end of writing this, I already am ready to do something else, which is hopefully to fall a sleep. A sleep I will fall to easily or rather not plagued by what if’s cause as I say I am not a perfectionist, I don’t have a clear picture of what this is or what it should be.
I’ve decided this piece of poetic proze should come to an end and i’ve forgotten what i’ve written so far. I’ll read it back, see some sentences I like, some I don’t mind, and rest my head. And so I go back and try to write the I’s right. And I wonder if this sudden strike of inspiration will come again. If this time it was born out of boredome or the simple joy of late-night inspiration. Why does anyone do anything? Why did the early humans make cave paintings. Why would I write this, why would I publish this, other than to say- I exist- and: look at these awesome sentences and images I found- and- I hope you’ll sleep well.