On the edge of the dream

New exiting things going on, somethings ending, some space for developement. This poem is almost a year old but it describes what i feel now perfectly!

I don’t dare to write

All the things I feel inside

All the stories thought

And besides I forgot

Them so many times

what is more beautiful than the cold bright expecting of a new day

I know that these sound

Different I know I’m

Not so sure as I was

Before that these are

All lies, my thoughts

And hopes can never

Be right

 

Let all that is beauty

Be loved

Let all that is precious

Be seen

Let all that is given

Be touched

 

Protect all that is dear

Protect all that’s not ready yet

Protect all of my fear

 

Lead me slow ahead

Lead me to the truth

That’s always highlighted

In disguise

Lead me to the insight that

My longing can be right

 

That I can be found

That I can find

That we can share

That time will tell

That loves not blind

That right is strong

That heart and mind

And soul can be

On the same line.

Stories that need telling

 

So, the title of this post is quite vague. Imagine it is the sound that I make when I review the things of last days that made me positively livid. As in:  Extremely angry up to the point that I wanted to cry. And I guess there is a theme there. It is about harming basic rights. Now I understand that being said that you cannot walk on your street with your bike on a Friday night on a cycle lane that is over a square that is closed off for cycling on the weekend because of too many drunk people and thus you have to go some different way to your house is perhaps not necessarily a criminal offence but it sure felt like it. I must say I might have overreacted a little bit but I was very tired and coming in between and my bed when I’m tired is never a good idea.

The second thing was less obvious though in a way similar. You see the closed off cycle lane was already a process of months, it was closed off but you were allowed to walk with your bike, and as crazy about cycling Amsterdam cyclists are that was already a big step for me to be semi-ok with. Anyways. This other issue was also already going on for quite some time. However, this did not have to do with some rules but some behavior that I was not entirely ok with but kind of ignored because… because I didn’t realize how much it harmed me. This behavior consisted of a person I did not really know very well in a usually safe place for me looking at me in a way that thinking back of it makes me wish I was not a woman. And I love being a woman. So why the hell made did this person make me feel -in retrospective, that around him it was the worst thing to be?

 

Because I was watched as some kind of sexual object and not a person. Today it was not just the watching (which I so far had just ignored as a good girl does) but rather he was way to obviously looking for contact with me, and it was clear that he was not necessarily interested in me as a person. I was joking that he was too scared of me to tell something, that he sucked at winking and that I regretted telling him my name because it was annoying he was saying it the whole time. But only when he was freaking out because he felt that another man that was (obviously) gay was looking at him I realized the extend of influence of his behavior. He complained he was looked at. And me and luckily also my friend said: but that is what you have been doing to her the entire time. The thing is, the other (gay) man had not at all been looking at him in some kind of lustful way as he did to me. And when we confronted him with the fact that his behavior of looking at me was not different than the behavior he said to perceive, he said: “but that is normal”. It had seriously not occurred to him that indeed I might feel like he felt. So, I told him: “I say now that I feel the same. I do not feel comfortable to be watched like that by you the whole time.” And only then I realized how badly it had harmed me. And how messed up his behavior was. And it reminded me once again how important it is to be a feminist. And how important it is to tell these kinds of stories. To say this is not ok. Because I can imagine that you would never imagine saying that it is normal that woman is sexually objectified even if the context does not give any indication for this. But you might be treated differently by man because you are a woman or you might treat woman different because they are woman and you are sexually attracted to them-in a way that when you exaggerate it clearly shows the disrespectfulness. We all have blind spots. And fairly obviously for this guy this was that he did not see that his behavior was not ok. And I know that you are not him. But I know you have blind spots, since as far as I know you are human. And I pray to god that you start looking for them, especially because one way or another it might cause harmful and disrespectful behavior from you towards others. And that is not ok. Ever.

just learn from the kids!

 

I love kids. Of course, I’m sometimes terrified of them as every human being should be, but interacting with them is sometimes so enlightening. I think I already once wrote something about one of my favorite quotes from ‘the other hand’ from Chris Cleave. It is the last real grown up fiction/literary book I have read (I discovered when I was in high school so go figure, studying ruins your interest in real books XD). Anyways, at some point there is a boy who asks a man: are you a goody or a baddy? and the guy says ‘well I’m more one of the innocent bystanders’. The boy doesn’t understand and the mother explains

‘You start off like my Charlie. You start off thinking you can kill all the baddies and save the world. Then you get a little bit older, maybe Little Bee’s age, and you realize that some of the world’s badness is inside you, that maybe you’re a part of it. And then you get a little bit older still, and a bit more comfortable, and you start wondering whether that badness you’ve seen in yourself is really all that bad at all.; – Chris cleave- Little Bee // The other hand

ok I thought I had a photo from the MOMA with a ‘please don’t touch’ sign and a child hand. I can’t find it so the next best thing, random graffiti at a random door in NYC

Now I’m not necessarily referring to morality now but children have a way of changing your focus. All the sudden you need to be an adult that explains things. The way they are, not just the way we discuss them so we don’t have to deal. What teaches me most these days is how kids deal with emotion. A kid jumps around, a mother instinct knows to ask: what are you exited for. Three are things to come, and the child says: but there is more I just forget – and she remembers the last thing, and so it is out there.

We jump around because we are excited of anxious. Or when my niece desires something what is not possible: endlessly making her wish clear and she can’t be convinced that it is ok that it will not come true: I Am SAD!. It reminds me that although that I learned reasonably well how to deal with these emotions and I don’t throw tantrums anymore, I do feel similar things, and my actions are influenced. And isn’t that wonderful?

New Thiings :) :)

So the other day I bought a new sewing machine.. Since I have to bring mine to the repair man anyways I thought before I spend more than 30 euro on that I might just buy a 45 year old one for 30 as even just a temporary replacement. Turns out it is actually a great one (I knew the brand was good, but still cool that it works this well) and by the encouragment of watching ‘textileartist.org’ experimenting with textiles video training I decided to make something!

doodeling looks so much more sophisticated when you do it on a sewing machine

While I was at it I decided I could make a new logo/tagline for lieverleesje:

Lieverleesje, restitching stories one by one. *I know that is very unclear in the actual thing 🙂 So here it is!

Lieverleesje Restitching stories one by one

It’s all connected – in my brain

So perhaps not the best of titles but it is a paraphrase of a line in a song of Hudson Taylor ‘Care‘. I think it’s a brilliant song but the most brilliant is the ‘it’s all connected baby, it’s all connected to our brains’ (so I think :)). And that’s because it connects to me 🙂 One of the people I would run into when hanging out in my Monday eat and hangout spot said- you always connect EVERYTHING. And I’m happy to do so! and so the things I’ll connect today:

• Not listening to the radio for ages
• Reading ‘boekenweek geschenk’ makkelijk leven//easy living
• Weak of AJR
• What’s wrong – Blyss

So what happened? A few weeks ago, it was the Dutch boekenweek- book week, in this week when you buy a book you get a book for free, some kind of essay of about a hundred pages that is written for this particular goal. There is also a theme each year. I must say I did not know the theme this year, but apparently, it was ‘forbidden fruits’. My dad had read the book and said it was a parody, but also quite good, so I took it to read in the train and I finished it last weekend. The book is called makkelijk leven and is written by Herman Koch. The book, literally called easy living is about a bestseller author for self-help books. His most known book is called ‘easy living’ and has guidelines for easy living. The first rule of easy living ‘don’t always try to solve problems by thinking of them, often they are solved quicker by not thinking about them’. The book starts when the author is indeed confronted with a problem and follows his own easy living advise to deal with the problem, and how that works out, well you should read the book. 😉

What is wrong with looking down to the end of the tunnel? and being honest about what you see a the end, and why you go in?

What happened as well, and has been happening for some time is the fact that I don’t listen to radio anymore. I used to do this all the time, but since I live on my own I don’t own a radio and there is too much talking and advertising for me to tolerate it on headphones or my laptop- too close. What happens though when I listen to the radio once in like 3 months I learn about all kinds of new music! well. must say, music I didn’t know yet. One of the things I was surprised by was ‘weak‘ of AJR. The sound is a bit like 21 pilots so of course I like it, but I was struck by the lyrics.  Yesterday morning I woke up with the song in my mind but I did not remember the chorus entirely. In my mind, it was ‘I’m free, and what’s wrong with that-boy oh boy I love it when I fall for that.‘ Thing is of course it is ‘I’m weak- and what’s wrong with that.’ The song refers to sips, kisses, hits etc. that should have not happened by saying ‘no thank you’ but instead the singer gives in to temptation. I’m weak and what’s wrong with that, and I think the second parts means I love when I fall for the temptation and enjoy this sip/kiss etc. Thing is having read makkelijk leven it gets another meaning. It refers to falling for the lie that there is nothing wrong with being weak, or like I rewrote the song in my mind ‘free’.

The story continues. When home I decided to google the lyrics to the song of AJR. I didn’t know the title of the song so I just googled ‘I’’m weak and whats wrong with that’. Interestingly enough I came unto the lyrics of ‘what’s wrong with that’ from Blyss. Now I don’t know the song or the band but I was intrigued by the lyrics because they were so different from what I read in ‘makkelijk leven’ or ‘weak’ of AJR. Where the book of Herman Koch and the song of AJR talk about utter disconnection and giving into what is best for you ‘what’s wrong with that’ is about connection. Asking questions rather than saying ‘bad for me, but I give in so easily’ – why is it bad for me, and how can I get something better?

How did I end up here?
Closer to nowhere and in the middle of nothing
And I am one step back from where I was
Spinning in circles gets old after a while

Cause maybe someday I can learn to trust you
Just stop thinking with my head
Cause maybe someday I can learn to let go
I lose control and that’s okay with me
I lose control and tell me what is wrong with that? – Blyss, What’s wrong with that.

I’ll leave you with that.

Crisis

You know those 5 minutes in between thoughts when you’re writing something very important that should soon be finished? I use them for existential crisis’s. thinking of reasons why I suck as a human being at my life seems so much more fun than actually working on getting my thoughts on paper. Ahwell. We can always write our thoughts online unapologaticly.

Sometimes writing down academic thoughts feel like eating the stuf that ended up next to the garbage. Fresh new thought seem so much more attractive!

Scars that have been there a long time

Fight against all that fights you

All the enemies in your head

All the things that harm you

All the things that hurt

 

And maybe sometime I’ll see the enemy within me.

The enemy that fights me, the enemy that hurts

The enemy that so quickly says:

They are fight your- they must be right

They are fighting you- they must be wrong and they must die.

 

Then the angel comes and saves me

And he opens up my eyes

He shows me there are no weapons

Although the wounds are real

And he shows me to the cross

And he put me in the light

And the wounds they heal – the

Wounds that came from scars

That have been there a long time.

The rocking chair

The mess of blury lines

Oh you rock us back and forth back and forth

Like one would to let the baby sleep, back and forth back and forth

But this ride on the rocking chair doesn’t allow sweet dreams to come

Rather it is nightmares and remembering that you are still awake.

What is the price for getting off walking away and

not be so affected any more?

 

write something-poem/proze

I wanted to write something,

Perhaps about 100 words, not write it under my own name. Or perhaps indeed under my own name. To create understanding, to create art in this craziness.

I’m not the only one who has seen someone they love in the midst of their delusions but I must say it has been a ride. The constant: what is real and wat is rigorously wrong?

The heighted senses when alone, the far-away-ness when together. The strange all compassing weight of it and at the same time knowing that I am all right. It is just someone else’s life spinning out of control, spinning mixing into mine. Not sure what to do with it. Oh, the tricks of the mind.

All the loose ends.

The chaos that your mind sometimes looks like. 

The other day I was reading ‘the idiot brain’ (what your brain is really up to) about the ways your brain works. Apparently, you can only store four ‘items’ in your short-term memory, that actually means that it can be the case that really too much is going on, to fit thoughts in your brain. The literal version of “I cannot think right now”. Some days I feel like I can do anything, other days I’m struggling to get anything done. One of the main reasons why I cannot start anything is for the reason that there are so many lose ends. Way more than 4 items are on my to-do, or rather worry-list. Since they are more than 4 it is not that they are constantly on my mind, but they pop up often enough to not get something done.

In these moments, I seek for something that can be started and finished in one go. Writing a blogpost is one of them. I just pluck some thoughts from my mind and put them in a bouquet, happy with the result that doesn’t take weeks and months to get there like with writing a thesis. As a bonus, it makes me feel useful and constructive. The exact mindset that I need to finally go work on the wonders of academic research and writing.

As a bonus for all of you who hoped to read something significant today- here some tested great Netflix procrastination series:

Dear white people- Beautiful, real and stereotypical, for fun and to understand your place in society better.

Girlboss- A little bit crazy, a little bit over romanticized and a little bit relatable, interesting to flirt with everything that is possible in this online world, and then just to retreat yourself from it by just watching netflix.

Las Chicas del cables- Great for learning/remembering some Spanish, here we have beautiful woman in 20s fashions, in a time when being a woman did mean that you were weak, if only just legally speaking. Great and beautiful spectacle.

The good thing: all these only have 1 season, so they only take about 1,5 day of your precious time :).

Good luck with whatever you were supposed to do instead of reading this blogpost!