Embroidery

The curse of close-ups

I feel my body aching.

I’m half awake but aware

that something happened

to my stomach. I’m still

far away half in my dreams

but then I see that – in fact –

there is a reason for this feeling

The workout after moths of

simply being.

And then just now or the

past couple of hours i’ve been working

on the most beautiful embroidery

Intense colours

picking the beads individually,

making lines, flowers, poetry

I wanted to make and make more

but from time to time till i had to

stop – I felt my hand, my shoulders,

my back, my butt- its time to go

the half of it

not stay in one place anymore,

It’s time to walk of a mornings

work to give my body a rest

from the intense and relaxing

back and forth.

Its ok. I can walk away and come back.

paralel time

I haven’t told you things

for a long time. I didn’t have

that much to say. One way or

another, you wouldn’t want to

hear it, and yet I now feel I’m

looking at it all another way.

I’ve touched again, the one

I was with you. I’ve found,

new words that I would have

tried to touch you, ever far away.

I’m different now. I’m distant

now in ways I couldn’t be with you.

I’m similar, I’m just the same,

I love the one I’ve been with you,

she’s still here. I love the one you’ve

been with me even if you aren’t here.

I’m happy that we’re distant-

my love always confused me.

I’m happy that we’re quiet, and

I conciously think of you. My

life is so without you as it is

supposed to. My life is great

without you so great cause

you were in it. The freedom

of my wings, as the wind

caressses like your love. I will go and

my wings will protect me keep

me warm and I accept wherever

I now am.

currents.

The beauty that is captured when you let others take the lead

Some days are so slow,

that it doesn’t seem to matter

if they happened, and now

leave no imprint but the impression

of meaninglessness, willekeur,

in life.

Like when a 2 year old takes a hold of your camera.

Today, this past week, was

a week like many others, tuesday,

wednesday, and all the days to

return to the same place, tuesday

again. And yet, these past seven

days carry the heaviness and lightness

of life in another way.

Every subject so carefully selected.

The current

seemed to be strong and calm but

so pressent.

hundreds, thousands,

and millions of rocks

are displaced by every wave of

the mediterranean see. And

I aknowledge the overwhelming

power of the waves, their sound,

their taste, their force. Their way

of slowing me down, and yet so alive

To see the world trough here eyes.

like

death, fights, love, home, house,

kind, child, far close, true, too, beautiful.

on the contrary

Feathers flying – stirring.

Its not- that I haven’t been writing.

On the contrary- I have so many saved drafts

that there are perhaps more poems unpublished

than unspoken thoughts. I’ve been- having

conversations – doing stuff.

I’ve filled my head so full of perspectives I’m

not sure anymore what’s the direction to

look to, trough, at. And then my body overwhelmed

I close my eyes. I feel the cold on my skin-

my hairs straight up I expected it to be

a summers day- cause I wanted it to be

I wanted to wear that outfit I wanted to feel

free and warm.

Changing directions, learning.

Lately, I felt stuck. I’ve

been going places one by one- and yet

unsure of where I want to be.

Its not that I haven’t been free to choose,

on the contrary. My time is mine. Yet sometimes

It feels like the guardian of my sanity is ‘done for the day’

And i’m stuck in a boat with no anchor and

no clear direction.

The lighthouse I’ve been counting on has

stopped turning. And I’m too tired to steer this boat by

looking at the stars. Heck I didn’t want to

sail in the first place. I miss the Island. I miss the

solid round structure of the lighthouse.

I miss un-moving solidness of land.

I miss the hot and the cold stored in stone walls.

I miss simply the sky above me changing not

the floor I try to lie on also. I’m done with this boat.

I’m done with the water. I want to go home.

Steady on the land where the sea once was.

And- I’m not that far from home – On the contrary

when I open my eyes I can see my door from a distance.

it just seems that I went out with my keys,

and a hole in my pocket, and little resilience left

to go and find the keys where i dropped them.

in

We fall In love,

Being close and distant to the rose.

We crawl out of it

i heard it somewhere.

And i wonder, how much

it is true for me. I remember

being, feeling in love in the past

I can remember but I can no longer

feel that love. It became new- a memory

A memory i hardly remember safe the milestones

what i learned, what i thought of what i felt. no longer

I once longed to be so close to each of them, now all are far

physically, mentally, geographically. I wonder if perhaps- I didn’t

They fell into love- Into my heart. They are still there somewhere but

my love has grown. It has memories of its own. It doesn’t belong with them.

It never did i guess.

I learn to no longer fall-

I reside, I move, I know,

I live in love.

Dance

Space dance.

My body and my mind,

seem to do a dance of back and forth.

my brain takes me places,

while my body- today- likes to stay in one

spot.

they go, back and forth back and forth.

I’ve thought for a long time- That they

were fighting me both. I felt desperate,

and alone, I didn’t feel I had the time, or

it was ok to take the time to watch this

body and mind do their dance,

back and forth,

back and forth.

instead of grieving, anger and frustration,

as response to this whole cycle,

I embrace the sensations of this dance,

back and forth back and forth.

It brings me to a peace i wouldn’t find

If my mind and body were aligned.

There is beauty in the movement.

back and forth, back and forth.

Striking.

all the amazing things at once.

The beauty strikes me.

The beauty strikes me, like a punch in the gut.

I see something I see someone I am filled up with

a memory that sneaks up on me like a heat wave and

then a reality that washes like a cold wave over me.

The joy that I feel longs for a shore like the waves

do. To feel the touch of a million tiny rocks

the water and the sand caressing eachother

like lovers ever changing ever coming and going

and never tired of it all. The wave of joy in me

is like a grain of sand in the sahara- even after all

this time the memory of the water roaming these

sands is painful.

Some lines are straight.

the beauty strikes me and i feel like i’m punched

in the gut, that i cannot move. Cause i cannot

share my joy with the one who made the beauty-

not that i could before, but now even less.

I will have to enjoy this beauty from a distance,

like a hidden chid watching the end of th tv

episode from the side of the couch were she

is unseen- I’ve been banned to bed and have

no place on the couch and yet i find myself

hiding next to me since the story haunts me-

how does it end? where will I go. How

can I ever sleep if i don’t silence these questions

inside of me. these longings.

Some boats have ropes

The pain of

joy undeniable that has to be denied has

a special type of sting. I’ll peel back the layers

of the beauty that strikes me- I try to reduce

it to the image- the lines, the composition, the

color, not the witness who captured it, not my

relationship to him, not the kindredness I feel

now he made something that I so often have made.

In that moment I feel so close to him, seeing

how he sees things a reflection of his soul and

i remind myself that I might feel that connection

so strong but that its maybe not gone, but

discontinued. In the past. In my memory.

frozen in pain. I just pray that the sun will shine,

and that i cal hold my pain and this beauty i found,

in perfectly kind love. I’m learning to hold these

striking things as moments that remind me,

of the shape of my soul.

Such a lonely moment

confusing clarity

‘I met someone’, she said.

What was it like?, I asked.

‘Confusing’, she said.

‘It was so good to hold someone

after all this time’, she said.

‘I tried to kiss him, more out of habit

than that I liked him’, she said.

‘He was married,

I remembered that when he didn’t kiss me

back.’ she said.

‘It was at a concert- that was the

thing, I remembered he was that

musician married to that actrice and

so I was left there in the audience,

alone- everyone 1,5 meter apart,

or they would be’ she said.

overwhelming clarity

‘I only was there before it started.

And as safe and warm as it felt

holding him, feeling his body against

mine in a undeniable embrace, so

cold and lonely it felt now.’ she said.

‘I knew it didn’t make sense’, she said.

‘I knew that it didn’t even happen like that-

not at all. But I still felt it’, She sighed.

confusement

‘ That dream, it got me off balance’, she said.

‘It made me want to go back to a space

and time that didn’t exist, to simply feel

that embrace again. To feel someone so

near in such a lonely moment.’

Heartspace

some times there is so much love in my heart,

I hate yellow, but i love it here.

I’m not sure how to move past, move on, let go.

I will hold on to everyone i’ve ever known. bittersweet.

the pain of rejection so present and yet so new every time,

I forgot why we are not loving eachother up close.

I’m tired now so no moment to make big decisions,

i’d tell my self night and night again no matter how well i slept.

Thoughts coming and going like a flowers petals-

I love him, i love him not, i love him, i love him not.

does it matter if he does?

The city I love- Does it love me back?

His love was strong enough for me to decide to go all in despite

the warning signs. And there they come again- Will i ever love

someone enough, will anyone fit me well enough, or at least as

much as I loved him, and he loved me. I’m sure the memories

have more contrast now- they are saturatated by left over love

and frustration. Not sure how to move forward I’ll simply

hold my heart an witness. Where I am now is a good place.

Looking back loving the past.