You find the answer and then..

dsc01416So I read this article somewhere on a random-ish website listing the words most  wrongly used in the English language. However, that’s not why I was so interested in it, or why I mention it here. It stated that there is no such thing as official English, not like there is for Dutch- ‘the green book’ that lists the spelling of words. Perhaps that is why I like English so much. You have British English, American English, African English, Australian English. All kinds. You also have Dutch English, also lovingly called Dunglish. One of the national newspapers wrote about the changing of most bachelor and master’s degrees to English and how some teachers are not exactly prepared. It was titled: it can put you on the wrong foot, after the Dutch expression ‘het kan je op het verkeerde been brengen),which means something like that it can lead you on the wrong track.


The title to this post comes from ‘live your song’ a ted talk by Jon Foreman.. He talks about how life is an every changing symphony played in the tension. It’s funny how at one point you can be completely at ease with the world and yourself and blessed by all that seems to be given to you so freely, and then, something happens, or nothing, and anxiety takes over. Or the whispering voice in the back of your mind: all is going so well, it won’t last for long.. the suspicion that the sun can’t shine for too long, it has to go under.. and yet again when it goes under it sometimes seems like it will never come up again. It is funny how our minds bodies and heart so often are reluctant to trust the rhythm of life.


It was perhaps nicely illustrated with something what happened yesterday. I went dancing again 🙂 since I was following a beginners workshop each round you learn one movement, and you practice it with the next one in line, moving around in a circle.. I’m not sure how much time you get to practice, but what I do know… I was dancing with this guy and honestly it went quite great, sometimes it takes a lot of time to find the same rhythm, however, this was not a problem.. Still, the dance part that we had to practice was very basic.. and the song was soooo long.. At some point it went completely ridiculous: I laughed and exclaimed: “the song is too long, we need some variation..” It is funny to see how sometimes complex things are way easier to react to then the continuing of repeating movements..


‘What happens next’ is sometimes a question out of boredom, sometimes from blind panic. And then wat? You find the answer.. and then time goes on, the rhythm continues. We sometimes spent so much time searching for answers to find they lead to yet other questions. This is the definition of movement and rhythm. Sometimes the answers just make no sense because language is ever changing and meaning is easily lost. That’s when I find rest and space in poetry: ‘Trust in what you know,  don’t let yourself be put on the wrong foot and follow the lead.’


It’s not all bad

dsc06567Ik schrijf zojuist als titel voor deze post ‘it’s not all bad’ en in plaats van voor schrijf ik for. In mijn leven waar misschien wel meer dan de helft zich afspeelt in het Engels is het grappig om te merken dat ik af en toe switch naar het Nederlands en andersom. Meestal heb ik het niet door. Misschien is het omdat ik net een Nederlandse blogpost las op, of omdat mijn gedachten toch zich nog enigszins in het Nederlands bevinden. (Allemaal geen goede taal, i know). Waarom schrijf ik dan wel zo chaotisch? Ik zocht vandaag een liedje op dat ik pas had gequote aan iemand die ik kende. Ik heb van die ‘go to’ lyrics die ik tof vind omdat ze iets omschrijven precies zoals het voelt. Veel van die teksten komen van Aaron Sprinkle. Toen ik het liedje wat ik tof vond googlede ‘the boy who stopped the world’ kwam ik een hele akoestische setting met Aaron Sprinkle tegen waarin hij een aantal nummers speelt én uitlegd waarover ze gaan. Als je misschien deze blog wel eens eerder hebt gelezen dan weet je dat ik vaker Aaron Sprinkle noem. 🙂 My Hero. En nu ook weer. Ik moet zeggen dat ik naast zijn teksten in liedjes hem nog nooit had horen spreken, maar de uitweiding die hij gaf over het nummer ‘not all bad’ raakte mij.

So I kinda wrote the song from my perspective, but it is really about someone else. It’s weird, I actually almost started crying right now when I played it. It’s weird cause I don’t actually remember writing it, so to me it’s someone else’s song. I can’t even take ownership for it at all.

And it was speaking to me about some of the stuff I’m currently going through really heavily.

And I was thinking about how cool that is when God does stuff like that. He gave me that song. And it’s been so long that I don’t even have the ability to take any ownership in it anymore.

And the lyrics that he gave me, I really believe he gave me, were actually speaking to me right now when I was playing it again. So it’s pretty cool.

Ik vond het heel tof om te horen hoe Aaron geraakt werd door wat hij ooit zelf schreef. Vandaag ben ik zelf weer bezig geweest met schrijfsels terug lezen en overschrijven. En dat is soms een hele klus. Ik heb er wel een handje van om met potlood in het half donker of met pen lopend op straat dingen neer te krabbelen. Het verhoogd de leesbaarheid van mijn hanenpoten letters niet. Het lastige is ook dat het raden van woorden niet echt makkelijk is. Ik weet maar af en toe waar ik was toen ik schreef wat ik schreef, soms weet ik nog wel waar het over ging maar niet persé welke woorden ik wilde schrijven.

Ik leest altijd oudere boekjes en schrijfsels terug en af en toe is het echt een feest om de woorden te vinden: ‘wow, heb ik dat geschreven?’. ‘geen idee waar dat over gaat maar dat is mooi’ ‘shit, ik was dat alweer vergeten maar it sounds about right’. Van sommige schrijfsels kan ik alle woorden reproduceren ook wal weet ik niet persé wanneer ze zijn ontstaan. Ik herhaal ze zo vaak in mijn hoofd. Ik geloof, net als Aaron Sprinkle dat God ons woorden geeft. Zeker poëzie. Poëzie is meer dan woorden letters en grammatica. Het gaat ergens over waarvan je soms nog niet eens weet wat het is. Daarom is het zo bijzonder om dingen terug te lezen, en zo logisch dat het je wéér raakt.


Het horen van wat Aaron zegt over zijn teksten en ook het kijken naar ‘the get down’ en de briljante teksten die daar vandaan  komen, vuren een verlangen ook ‘a words smith’ te zijn aan. Ik wil ook dingen schrijven, beschrijven, delen en presenteren, letters, gevoelens, kunst. Dingen. Zingen. Al onze verhalen gaan maar door en door maar de woorden blijven. En ze herinneren ons en ze brengen ons verder. Dat is hoe ik het zie tenminste. Dat is hoe ik het ervaar. En ik moet zeggen het is best wel eng voor mij om te schrijven, voor mij om te delen want als ik deze zinnen nu typ dan weet ik zoiezo: er zijn een eindeloze hoeveelheid fouten te vinden in deze tekst. Spelfouten, tangconstructies, anglicismen misschien ook wel contaminaties en grammaticale missers. En toch. Ooit in New York, in gesprek met een streetartist zei hij ‘I just had to paint’. En in  a way. ‘I just have to write’ het geeft niet of niemand het leest. En of niemand het begrijpt.. Soms doe ik dat zelf niet eens. Maar ik las iets terug vandaag wat ik had geschreven waarom ik het toch doe, dit schrijven, en misschien zelfs ‘op enter drukken en posten’

I love my life. + I’ll

probably regret some things

but allowing myself

to do things is where

self-trust starts.

All The Sad Songs


Some of my favourite memories or moments in the list of memorable nights revolve around music, more specific the sharing of music. Being with a group of people, family or friends and sharing the songs you really love. I find it very interesting to hear what kind of music other people listen to and sharing what I listen to myself, because it usually ends up with very interesting observations about either. Once we had to make some kind of art project with a song for CKV “cultural art education’ in high school. I suggested that we would use a song from one of my favourite artists Aaron Sprinkle, because it was such an upbeat and fun song. I shared the lyrics with my friends and they were like: but that is actually REALLY SAD! Me: Really?! not if you hear the music..


All the rainbows are black and white and I’m color blind And I don’t see nothing any more (notice black and white rainbows and no eyes XD)

On another occasion I shared with my Dutch teacher that I really liked this one band for their lyrics. I quoted a song: “Like that girl breaks a heart, is like a work of art, and this is the worst part: she knows it.” She smiled at me and said I liked irony. I asked her: What  is irony? (yup, at age 14 I did not really know what it was, and I still wonder sometime). But it was one of these eye opening moments: like wow, irony is actually something I like. I posted a Aaron Sprinkle song on my Facebook wall a few weeks ago, loving it so much, and my mum listened to it an she was like: but it is SO SAD. And I was like: I like that it is so sad because I dunno, I like it when tragedy is turned into beauty.

I think that there the key lies. I love it when tragedy is turned in to beauty. When you look back and are like: wow, this is really depressing but also really funny and beautiful. The reason I was writing this post is because I listened to ‘People Should Smile More’ From Newton Faulkner. He is actually one of the artists I listened to for years before I realised that his songs are actually not at all as upbeat as the music suggests. Here are a few lines from ‘People should smile more’

I can’t change the world
‘Cause trying to make a difference
Makes it worse
It’s just an observation
I can’t ignore
But people should smile more

I love that it is not some kind of: if we all stand together we can change the world for the better, no it’s  I can’t change the world. Full stop. And yet it goes on. Trying to make a difference makes it worse (take that world changers). Then something that I have to say my realistic or pessimistic heart agrees upon: ‘It’s just an observation I can’t ignore’. I think the reason I don’t do especially well with all the super hopeful ‘change the world songs’ (does anyone?!) is because they are little realistic. I am certainly a hopeful person but I’m not ignorant about the worlds tragedies and that we often cause these for trivial reasons. However, as a ‘happy child’ (as an aunt of my dad’s once called me as a 3 year old), I looooooooove to smile and rejoice in things. So definitely, people should smile more and for me sad and ironic songs are a great source of joy: Don’t deny the suffering of all and cry about it sometimes, but it is wonderful to smile about it. Poetry gives great opportunity for smiling about tragedy. Below I’ll share one of my favourite ‘dark’ songs (first few lines it ends in something a little lighter). Knowing this song in combination with the music makes me just very very happy. It’s very dark but it is also very funny and beautiful.

You climbed to the top you never would stop
To look at the bodies you left on the floor
With knives in their backs you made your attack
And now you’re thirsting for more
But someone is gonna have to pay
Bleach- To the top

I decided to add super old drawings from myself as an interpretation of the song colorblind, when I look at them I have to smile so loud 🙂 (yes, that’s an expression I made up and I love it :)). Even though I thought the song was upbeat and happy (perhaps that was even the assignment XD), actually the first few lines as interpreted below might suggest otherwise:

On a good day
You break my heart again
On the highway
You run me over when
You are leaving me and taking everything
Aaron Sprinkle – Colorblind


On a good day you break my heart again, on the highway you rund me over when you are leaving me and taking everyting (Alles = everyting, expres=attempt to write express, as in fast moving vehicle moving everyting)