On the edge of the dream

New exiting things going on, somethings ending, some space for developement. This poem is almost a year old but it describes what i feel now perfectly!

I don’t dare to write

All the things I feel inside

All the stories thought

And besides I forgot

Them so many times

DSC03395

what is more beautiful than the cold bright expecting of a new day

I know that these sound

Different I know I’m

Not so sure as I was

Before that these are

All lies, my thoughts

And hopes can never

Be right

 

Let all that is beauty

Be loved

Let all that is precious

Be seen

Let all that is given

Be touched

 

Protect all that is dear

Protect all that’s not ready yet

Protect all of my fear

 

Lead me slow ahead

Lead me to the truth

That’s always highlighted

In disguise

Lead me to the insight that

My longing can be right

 

That I can be found

That I can find

That we can share

That time will tell

That loves not blind

That right is strong

That heart and mind

And soul can be

On the same line.

Stories that need telling

 

So, the title of this post is quite vague. Imagine it is the sound that I make when I review the things of last days that made me positively livid. As in:  Extremely angry up to the point that I wanted to cry. And I guess there is a theme there. It is about harming basic rights. Now I understand that being said that you cannot walk on your street with your bike on a Friday night on a cycle lane that is over a square that is closed off for cycling on the weekend because of too many drunk people and thus you have to go some different way to your house is perhaps not necessarily a criminal offence but it sure felt like it. I must say I might have overreacted a little bit but I was very tired and coming in between and my bed when I’m tired is never a good idea.

The second thing was less obvious though in a way similar. You see the closed off cycle lane was already a process of months, it was closed off but you were allowed to walk with your bike, and as crazy about cycling Amsterdam cyclists are that was already a big step for me to be semi-ok with. Anyways. This other issue was also already going on for quite some time. However, this did not have to do with some rules but some behavior that I was not entirely ok with but kind of ignored because… because I didn’t realize how much it harmed me. This behavior consisted of a person I did not really know very well in a usually safe place for me looking at me in a way that thinking back of it makes me wish I was not a woman. And I love being a woman. So why the hell made did this person make me feel -in retrospective, that around him it was the worst thing to be?

 

Because I was watched as some kind of sexual object and not a person. Today it was not just the watching (which I so far had just ignored as a good girl does) but rather he was way to obviously looking for contact with me, and it was clear that he was not necessarily interested in me as a person. I was joking that he was too scared of me to tell something, that he sucked at winking and that I regretted telling him my name because it was annoying he was saying it the whole time. But only when he was freaking out because he felt that another man that was (obviously) gay was looking at him I realized the extend of influence of his behavior. He complained he was looked at. And me and luckily also my friend said: but that is what you have been doing to her the entire time. The thing is, the other (gay) man had not at all been looking at him in some kind of lustful way as he did to me. And when we confronted him with the fact that his behavior of looking at me was not different than the behavior he said to perceive, he said: “but that is normal”. It had seriously not occurred to him that indeed I might feel like he felt. So, I told him: “I say now that I feel the same. I do not feel comfortable to be watched like that by you the whole time.” And only then I realized how badly it had harmed me. And how messed up his behavior was. And it reminded me once again how important it is to be a feminist. And how important it is to tell these kinds of stories. To say this is not ok. Because I can imagine that you would never imagine saying that it is normal that woman is sexually objectified even if the context does not give any indication for this. But you might be treated differently by man because you are a woman or you might treat woman different because they are woman and you are sexually attracted to them-in a way that when you exaggerate it clearly shows the disrespectfulness. We all have blind spots. And fairly obviously for this guy this was that he did not see that his behavior was not ok. And I know that you are not him. But I know you have blind spots, since as far as I know you are human. And I pray to god that you start looking for them, especially because one way or another it might cause harmful and disrespectful behavior from you towards others. And that is not ok. Ever.

just learn from the kids!

 

I love kids. Of course, I’m sometimes terrified of them as every human being should be, but interacting with them is sometimes so enlightening. I think I already once wrote something about one of my favorite quotes from ‘the other hand’ from Chris Cleave. It is the last real grown up fiction/literary book I have read (I discovered when I was in high school so go figure, studying ruins your interest in real books XD). Anyways, at some point there is a boy who asks a man: are you a goody or a baddy? and the guy says ‘well I’m more one of the innocent bystanders’. The boy doesn’t understand and the mother explains

‘You start off like my Charlie. You start off thinking you can kill all the baddies and save the world. Then you get a little bit older, maybe Little Bee’s age, and you realize that some of the world’s badness is inside you, that maybe you’re a part of it. And then you get a little bit older still, and a bit more comfortable, and you start wondering whether that badness you’ve seen in yourself is really all that bad at all.; – Chris cleave- Little Bee // The other hand

DSC04101

ok I thought I had a photo from the MOMA with a ‘please don’t touch’ sign and a child hand. I can’t find it so the next best thing, random graffiti at a random door in NYC

Now I’m not necessarily referring to morality now but children have a way of changing your focus. All the sudden you need to be an adult that explains things. The way they are, not just the way we discuss them so we don’t have to deal. What teaches me most these days is how kids deal with emotion. A kid jumps around, a mother instinct knows to ask: what are you exited for. Three are things to come, and the child says: but there is more I just forget – and she remembers the last thing, and so it is out there.

We jump around because we are excited of anxious. Or when my niece desires something what is not possible: endlessly making her wish clear and she can’t be convinced that it is ok that it will not come true: I Am SAD!. It reminds me that although that I learned reasonably well how to deal with these emotions and I don’t throw tantrums anymore, I do feel similar things, and my actions are influenced. And isn’t that wonderful?