It’s all connected – in my brain

So perhaps not the best of titles but it is a paraphrase of a line in a song of Hudson Taylor ‘Care‘. I think it’s a brilliant song but the most brilliant is the ‘it’s all connected baby, it’s all connected to our brains’ (so I think :)). And that’s because it connects to me 🙂 One of the people I would run into when hanging out in my Monday eat and hangout spot said- you always connect EVERYTHING. And I’m happy to do so! and so the things I’ll connect today:

  • Not listening to the radio for ages
  • Reading ‘boekenweek geschenk’ makkelijk leven//easy living
  • Weak of AJR
  • What’s wrong – Blyss

So what happened? A few weeks ago, it was the Dutch boekenweek- book week, in this week when you buy a book you get a book for free, some kind of essay of about a hundred pages that is written for this particular goal. There is also a theme each year. I must say I did not know the theme this year, but apparently, it was ‘forbidden fruits’. My dad had read the book and said it was a parody, but also quite good, so I took it to read in the train and I finished it last weekend. The book is called makkelijk leven and is written by Herman Koch. The book, literally called easy living is about a bestseller author for self-help books. His most known book is called ‘easy living’ and has guidelines for easy living. The first rule of easy living ‘don’t always try to solve problems by thinking of them, often they are solved quicker by not thinking about them’. The book starts when the author is indeed confronted with a problem and follows his own easy living advise to deal with the problem, and how that works out, well you should read the book. 😉

End of the tunnel?

What is wrong with looking down to the end of the tunnel? and being honest about what you see a the end, and why you go in?

What happened as well, and has been happening for some time is the fact that I don’t listen to radio anymore. I used to do this all the time, but since I live on my own I don’t own a radio and there is too much talking and advertising for me to tolerate it on headphones or my laptop- too close. What happens though when I listen to the radio once in like 3 months I learn about all kinds of new music! well. must say, music I didn’t know yet. One of the things I was surprised by was ‘weak‘ of AJR. The sound is a bit like 21 pilots so of course I like it, but I was struck by the lyrics.  Yesterday morning I woke up with the song in my mind but I did not remember the chorus entirely. In my mind, it was ‘I’m free, and what’s wrong with that-boy oh boy I love it when I fall for that.‘ Thing is of course it is ‘I’m weak- and what’s wrong with that.’ The song refers to sips, kisses, hits etc. that should have not happened by saying ‘no thank you’ but instead the singer gives in to temptation. I’m weak and what’s wrong with that, and I think the second parts means I love when I fall for the temptation and enjoy this sip/kiss etc. Thing is having read makkelijk leven it gets another meaning. It refers to falling for the lie that there is nothing wrong with being weak, or like I rewrote the song in my mind ‘free’.

The story continues. When home I decided to google the lyrics to the song of AJR. I didn’t know the title of the song so I just googled ‘I’’m weak and whats wrong with that’. Interestingly enough I came unto the lyrics of ‘what’s wrong with that’ from Blyss. Now I don’t know the song or the band but I was intrigued by the lyrics because they were so different from what I read in ‘makkelijk leven’ or ‘weak’ of AJR. Where the book of Herman Koch and the song of AJR talk about utter disconnection and giving into what is best for you ‘what’s wrong with that’ is about connection. Asking questions rather than saying ‘bad for me, but I give in so easily’ – why is it bad for me, and how can I get something better?

How did I end up here?
Closer to nowhere and in the middle of nothing
And I am one step back from where I was
Spinning in circles gets old after a while

Cause maybe someday I can learn to trust you
Just stop thinking with my head
Cause maybe someday I can learn to let go
I lose control and that’s okay with me
I lose control and tell me what is wrong with that? – Blyss, What’s wrong with that.

I’ll leave you with that.

Crisis

You know those 5 minutes in between thoughts when you’re writing something very important that should soon be finished? I use them for existential crisis’s. thinking of reasons why I suck as a human being at my life seems so much more fun than actually working on getting my thoughts on paper. Ahwell. We can always write our thoughts online unapologaticly.

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Sometimes writing down academic thoughts feel like eating the stuf that ended up next to the garbage. Fresh new thought seem so much more attractive!

write something-poem/proze

I wanted to write something,

Perhaps about 100 words, not write it under my own name. Or perhaps indeed under my own name. To create understanding, to create art in this craziness.

I’m not the only one who has seen someone they love in the midst of their delusions but I must say it has been a ride. The constant: what is real and wat is rigorously wrong?

The heighted senses when alone, the far-away-ness when together. The strange all compassing weight of it and at the same time knowing that I am all right. It is just someone else’s life spinning out of control, spinning mixing into mine. Not sure what to do with it. Oh, the tricks of the mind.

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All the loose ends.

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The chaos that your mind sometimes looks like. 

The other day I was reading ‘the idiot brain’ (what your brain is really up to) about the ways your brain works. Apparently, you can only store four ‘items’ in your short-term memory, that actually means that it can be the case that really too much is going on, to fit thoughts in your brain. The literal version of “I cannot think right now”. Some days I feel like I can do anything, other days I’m struggling to get anything done. One of the main reasons why I cannot start anything is for the reason that there are so many lose ends. Way more than 4 items are on my to-do, or rather worry-list. Since they are more than 4 it is not that they are constantly on my mind, but they pop up often enough to not get something done.

In these moments, I seek for something that can be started and finished in one go. Writing a blogpost is one of them. I just pluck some thoughts from my mind and put them in a bouquet, happy with the result that doesn’t take weeks and months to get there like with writing a thesis. As a bonus, it makes me feel useful and constructive. The exact mindset that I need to finally go work on the wonders of academic research and writing.

As a bonus for all of you who hoped to read something significant today- here some tested great Netflix procrastination series:

Dear white people- Beautiful, real and stereotypical, for fun and to understand your place in society better.

Girlboss- A little bit crazy, a little bit over romanticized and a little bit relatable, interesting to flirt with everything that is possible in this online world, and then just to retreat yourself from it by just watching netflix.

Las Chicas del cables- Great for learning/remembering some Spanish, here we have beautiful woman in 20s fashions, in a time when being a woman did mean that you were weak, if only just legally speaking. Great and beautiful spectacle.

The good thing: all these only have 1 season, so they only take about 1,5 day of your precious time :).

Good luck with whatever you were supposed to do instead of reading this blogpost!

Who took the sun from your eyes. Translation

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So here it comes, another bilingual post. I’ve been flirting with the idea of translation for some time. Living in Amsterdam and being in the community that I am I perhaps read/write speak/hear English and Dutch 50/50. That makes as well that although most of the Dutch people I know, know English, not all my friends or readers know Dutch. Yet sometimes you want to share something of beauty from a to other unknown language and that’s where translation comes in. In Dutch the word for translation is vertalen, however, we also sometimes especially with poetry use the word ‘hertalen’. Even though it is not an official word is it quite useful, it literally translated means re-language. Basically you rewrite in another language. One of the great examples of this in the Dutch language is Herman van Veen, a Dutch artist whose songs often have an original in another language. He for instance sings several Leonard Cohen songs in Dutch, (such as Susanne) but instead of translating it literally he will make the song his own, and in that way adding another layer. Today I came across one of his songs, ”wie heeft de zon uit jou gezicht gehaald” literally, who took the sun from out of your face? it’s a beautiful song about some of the ugliest things in life. I wanted to share it with you guys so I translated it from Dutch to English. the fun thing is that the ‘original’ song was a French song from Catherine Lara – La craie dans l’encrier. Interestingly enough only the music is the same, the lyrics bare no real resemblance. I took the Dutch lyrics from the web, translation is my own. Feel free to comment on whether or not you think it’s done justice!

Who took the sun from your eyes?

Who extinguished the light in you?

Who turned your red cheeks into white

Who chased the dreams far from your mind?

Who broke your tiny heart

Painted your eyes so black

Who did not live up to the promises he made

 

Who smothered the laughter in your throat?

Who clenched your hands into fists?

Who killed that child so frank and free?

That always stands up when it falls

Who bend your straight strong back

Stamped on your toys to crack

Who broke your wings in the highest of their flight?

 

Who passed you by so easily

Who betrays your faith in this?

Who kept silent even until

The third rooster crowed to show

Who is it that forgot, that

You held the future in your heart

Who was it that just like, me, did not love you enough

Who was it that just like, me, did not love you enough

Terrible at falling in love

Oh, how have you bewitched me. DSC01859

The thing is it is not you.

I’m a goldfish.

 

 

I have an inability to stay mad at a person no matter how much they have hurt me in the past. I can’t help to fall over and over when I once have fallen in love. And falling over and over doesn’t mean the person in question is the one.It just means that I had a very good reason to be insprired by them, and I cannot yet let go of the attraction to more information they hold.

DSC01853I want to ask this.

I want to ask that.

I want to take you anywhere to see what you’re made of.

I want to love hold and kiss you.

I want to be able to turn back and not be affected  by the fact you are in fact different.

So far my rant on love :).

What happened to that dream?

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No filter. (as far as I remember) No idea what it is either. 

A few weeks ago, I was looking a lot at the stuff some of the people that like my posts post online. I am surprised and delighted to find and be found by people that approach writing in a similar way that I do. And in fact, it reminded me of someone from my past who years ago when I met him told me he wanted to write. Now I actually don’t know any of his writing, but I do remember he was pretty open about it, open about his idea or dream. And seeing so many people online putting some kind of dream out there, I decided just bluntly ask (covered in a whole lot ‘I hope you don’t think I’m crazy and remember me and since I’m writing a lot and since I see of people that write) “what happened to that dream?”. His answer, however interesting is not the most important for today. I want to ask the question, to myself, and to you, my younger self, my older self. Myself that writes a lot of lists of things I want to do. It is interesting to talk to people you know from a previous season. A previous step in time. They remind you of the things you were busy with then. And that you’re often   not busy with them now.

kant tasje bewerkt

Photo i took for some kind of challenge. Still very happy with it. Though a little dirtier these days. Filter big time. 

It is not a sin to go a different direction, nor is it a sin to evolve or change. But it sure is a pity to forget, and it’s good to remember, to cherish a dream you once had. The thing is, often previous dreams or ideas feel kind of painful because something or someone in our lives pushed it one way or another. Our idea to study art. Or should I say, my idea to study art fulltime and to relish in the possibilities of creating a world of my own, crushed by the admission panel that did not let us- Erhm, me, in. And the fact is, something else came from that crushed dream- I ended up at a university and at a specialization I love. But funnily enough first the idea, the planning, the dream was to only study art history for 1 year, to prepare myself with knowledge about art for the next admission procedure. The password I created for my university account, still reminds me of that. I chose something that would remind me why I was there, though the truth is now I barely remember what I wanted before or how badly hurt I was when others decided I could not have that.

Uitzicht bewerkt

A view from a place that I once lived at. Filter big time. 

What happened to that dream? The dream was almost forgotten, but the story continued. In fact, this dream, although not being lived to the full inspired a new story, a new life. I don’t mind my dreams, I love them, I also don’t mind they disappear and change, but I do want to remember them. I often make lists of ‘what I want’, or elaborately think about some idea or plan which results in a mental note that I can later return to. I value this very much because dreams tell me something of who I am, and that person however grown and developed, is not completely changed. Dreams of the past do one way or another have a significant role to play in the future, even if it is just to remind of what we have become, and that we can dream for something else. Always.

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This photo is a cut-out from a larger one. All the things on the image I could tell so many stories about. Maybe this photo is not necessarily about dreams, but it’s definitely about possibilities. Filter big time.