Honesty

who am i to hide from you

to be dishonest about my struggle

not caring for you like i want to

you don’t get some special gift…

you don’t get to see something no one else has seen

yet it is something that is most precious to me

christs spirit as it moves in me

and know that when i love you

it was because he loved me first

and because he gave me eyes,

to see beauty in everything

and truth through the cracks of lies

and his voice. telling me. forgiveness

is always here.

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The magic of running from a great converstation

So. Imagine this movie scene. One of the characters goes and sits on a bench on a small airport, notices the other character, who seems to be a Russian, since the book he reads has Cyrillic letters. The characters stay side by side and little to nothing seems to be happening. and then… The supposedly Russian guy starts talking to the girl who came to sit next to him. And we have no idea what he says, neither does the girl. We find out that for some reason the guy thought that maybe this girl was from his country, and for that reason spoke to her in an unknown language. Everyone can guess what happens next: they start to talk about where they came from and where they are going and the meaning of life. Since the conversation is not finished and they both have to catch a flight they travel together through security and follow the flow of the conversation. And then. In a split second the girl realizes she is late for her flight, and without knowing anything about this guy except where he is from and where he is going and his vision of life she runs off, leaving what this conservation could be when she would not be running off, to everyone’s imagination.

In the second scene, we see this girl again. This time she is in the town where she lives. She carries a book and goes to sit on a bench and there she reads it. A little later a guy comes and sits next to her, working on his laptop. Nothing really happens for a long time, until the girl puts the book next to her on the bench and the wind opens the book, and takes out one of the precious notes this girl found in this book, that she has on permanent loan from someone she loves. Of course, for dramatic purposes this bench is on a canal side and the note flies to the water and lands there. The girl runs after it and since she does not know how to get the note back she considers quickly reading it again and copying it. Yet then the guy that until now did nothing of particular interest comes over, puts away his phone and jumps in to the boat that is next to the note and rescues the piece of paper. The guy asks: “Was it a shopping list? Because sometimes when I find other people’s shopping lists I buy the things that are on there.” The girl is a bit confused and starts copying the note to a book, to save its content and to wait until it is dry. When she finishes she decides to continue the conversation and you can imagine what happens, they end up talking about where they came from and where they are going and the meaning of life. The sun moves around the sky and the shades get longer. Yet the girl has no clue what time it is until she gets a phone call from the person that she is supposed to meet: she is half an hour late. The two introduce themselves to one another, spell their first names and the girl runs off, leaving what this conservation could be when she would not be running off, to everyone’s imagination.

Parallel Stories

I love stories. Stories and images, the two things I can really remember well. Names and numbers? Not so much. I just started reading ‘The mortal instruments Book two. Now I thought I had read book one, but I’m not so sure I remember all the all the stories and what happened ad what didn’t. One of the reasons why is because I have been watching the Shadowhunters tv series, thing is, that both helps and doesn’t. Similar themes play a role, yet the timeline is completly messed up when you compare them. One way or another, the same characters are there and so it is kind of like a dream: you know this place is a place you know although it looks nothing like it. You know who someone is , even though they don’t look like the person. The difference between the book and movie in general is often discussed. There always seems to be a group that is upset that things are not exactly like they were on paper when seen on the screen. I’m not one of these people, I love paralel stories. A story is such a gentle thing, you have to move it subtlety and you cannot fit everything that could possibly happen in there in. For that reason i love different versions of stories, they tell the same but differently allowing the story to reach it’s full potential. I think that’s what storytelling, art history, faith and life is. retellig the same story finding true meaning and endless possibility.

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The dragons are here to take over!

Far away

oh the freedom to feel

a home that I found

The mess that someone just

puts me right into

And all of the blessings that I have

To kling to

I’ll be alright i’ll be yours god

and meet you

whereever you bring me.

On the edge of the dream

New exiting things going on, somethings ending, some space for developement. This poem is almost a year old but it describes what i feel now perfectly!

I don’t dare to write

All the things I feel inside

All the stories thought

And besides I forgot

Them so many times

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what is more beautiful than the cold bright expecting of a new day

I know that these sound

Different I know I’m

Not so sure as I was

Before that these are

All lies, my thoughts

And hopes can never

Be right

 

Let all that is beauty

Be loved

Let all that is precious

Be seen

Let all that is given

Be touched

 

Protect all that is dear

Protect all that’s not ready yet

Protect all of my fear

 

Lead me slow ahead

Lead me to the truth

That’s always highlighted

In disguise

Lead me to the insight that

My longing can be right

 

That I can be found

That I can find

That we can share

That time will tell

That loves not blind

That right is strong

That heart and mind

And soul can be

On the same line.

Stories that need telling

 

So, the title of this post is quite vague. Imagine it is the sound that I make when I review the things of last days that made me positively livid. As in:  Extremely angry up to the point that I wanted to cry. And I guess there is a theme there. It is about harming basic rights. Now I understand that being said that you cannot walk on your street with your bike on a Friday night on a cycle lane that is over a square that is closed off for cycling on the weekend because of too many drunk people and thus you have to go some different way to your house is perhaps not necessarily a criminal offence but it sure felt like it. I must say I might have overreacted a little bit but I was very tired and coming in between and my bed when I’m tired is never a good idea.

The second thing was less obvious though in a way similar. You see the closed off cycle lane was already a process of months, it was closed off but you were allowed to walk with your bike, and as crazy about cycling Amsterdam cyclists are that was already a big step for me to be semi-ok with. Anyways. This other issue was also already going on for quite some time. However, this did not have to do with some rules but some behavior that I was not entirely ok with but kind of ignored because… because I didn’t realize how much it harmed me. This behavior consisted of a person I did not really know very well in a usually safe place for me looking at me in a way that thinking back of it makes me wish I was not a woman. And I love being a woman. So why the hell made did this person make me feel -in retrospective, that around him it was the worst thing to be?

 

Because I was watched as some kind of sexual object and not a person. Today it was not just the watching (which I so far had just ignored as a good girl does) but rather he was way to obviously looking for contact with me, and it was clear that he was not necessarily interested in me as a person. I was joking that he was too scared of me to tell something, that he sucked at winking and that I regretted telling him my name because it was annoying he was saying it the whole time. But only when he was freaking out because he felt that another man that was (obviously) gay was looking at him I realized the extend of influence of his behavior. He complained he was looked at. And me and luckily also my friend said: but that is what you have been doing to her the entire time. The thing is, the other (gay) man had not at all been looking at him in some kind of lustful way as he did to me. And when we confronted him with the fact that his behavior of looking at me was not different than the behavior he said to perceive, he said: “but that is normal”. It had seriously not occurred to him that indeed I might feel like he felt. So, I told him: “I say now that I feel the same. I do not feel comfortable to be watched like that by you the whole time.” And only then I realized how badly it had harmed me. And how messed up his behavior was. And it reminded me once again how important it is to be a feminist. And how important it is to tell these kinds of stories. To say this is not ok. Because I can imagine that you would never imagine saying that it is normal that woman is sexually objectified even if the context does not give any indication for this. But you might be treated differently by man because you are a woman or you might treat woman different because they are woman and you are sexually attracted to them-in a way that when you exaggerate it clearly shows the disrespectfulness. We all have blind spots. And fairly obviously for this guy this was that he did not see that his behavior was not ok. And I know that you are not him. But I know you have blind spots, since as far as I know you are human. And I pray to god that you start looking for them, especially because one way or another it might cause harmful and disrespectful behavior from you towards others. And that is not ok. Ever.

just learn from the kids!

 

I love kids. Of course, I’m sometimes terrified of them as every human being should be, but interacting with them is sometimes so enlightening. I think I already once wrote something about one of my favorite quotes from ‘the other hand’ from Chris Cleave. It is the last real grown up fiction/literary book I have read (I discovered when I was in high school so go figure, studying ruins your interest in real books XD). Anyways, at some point there is a boy who asks a man: are you a goody or a baddy? and the guy says ‘well I’m more one of the innocent bystanders’. The boy doesn’t understand and the mother explains

‘You start off like my Charlie. You start off thinking you can kill all the baddies and save the world. Then you get a little bit older, maybe Little Bee’s age, and you realize that some of the world’s badness is inside you, that maybe you’re a part of it. And then you get a little bit older still, and a bit more comfortable, and you start wondering whether that badness you’ve seen in yourself is really all that bad at all.; – Chris cleave- Little Bee // The other hand

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ok I thought I had a photo from the MOMA with a ‘please don’t touch’ sign and a child hand. I can’t find it so the next best thing, random graffiti at a random door in NYC

Now I’m not necessarily referring to morality now but children have a way of changing your focus. All the sudden you need to be an adult that explains things. The way they are, not just the way we discuss them so we don’t have to deal. What teaches me most these days is how kids deal with emotion. A kid jumps around, a mother instinct knows to ask: what are you exited for. Three are things to come, and the child says: but there is more I just forget – and she remembers the last thing, and so it is out there.

We jump around because we are excited of anxious. Or when my niece desires something what is not possible: endlessly making her wish clear and she can’t be convinced that it is ok that it will not come true: I Am SAD!. It reminds me that although that I learned reasonably well how to deal with these emotions and I don’t throw tantrums anymore, I do feel similar things, and my actions are influenced. And isn’t that wonderful?

New Thiings :) :)

So the other day I bought a new sewing machine.. Since I have to bring mine to the repair man anyways I thought before I spend more than 30 euro on that I might just buy a 45 year old one for 30 as even just a temporary replacement. Turns out it is actually a great one (I knew the brand was good, but still cool that it works this well) and by the encouragment of watching ‘textileartist.org’ experimenting with textiles video training I decided to make something!

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doodeling looks so much more sophisticated when you do it on a sewing machine

While I was at it I decided I could make a new logo/tagline for lieverleesje:

Lieverleesje, restitching stories one by one. *I know that is very unclear in the actual thing 🙂 So here it is!

Lieverleesje - Restitching Stories one by one

Lieverleesje Restitching stories one by one

It’s all connected – in my brain

So perhaps not the best of titles but it is a paraphrase of a line in a song of Hudson Taylor ‘Care‘. I think it’s a brilliant song but the most brilliant is the ‘it’s all connected baby, it’s all connected to our brains’ (so I think :)). And that’s because it connects to me 🙂 One of the people I would run into when hanging out in my Monday eat and hangout spot said- you always connect EVERYTHING. And I’m happy to do so! and so the things I’ll connect today:

  • Not listening to the radio for ages
  • Reading ‘boekenweek geschenk’ makkelijk leven//easy living
  • Weak of AJR
  • What’s wrong – Blyss

So what happened? A few weeks ago, it was the Dutch boekenweek- book week, in this week when you buy a book you get a book for free, some kind of essay of about a hundred pages that is written for this particular goal. There is also a theme each year. I must say I did not know the theme this year, but apparently, it was ‘forbidden fruits’. My dad had read the book and said it was a parody, but also quite good, so I took it to read in the train and I finished it last weekend. The book is called makkelijk leven and is written by Herman Koch. The book, literally called easy living is about a bestseller author for self-help books. His most known book is called ‘easy living’ and has guidelines for easy living. The first rule of easy living ‘don’t always try to solve problems by thinking of them, often they are solved quicker by not thinking about them’. The book starts when the author is indeed confronted with a problem and follows his own easy living advise to deal with the problem, and how that works out, well you should read the book. 😉

End of the tunnel?

What is wrong with looking down to the end of the tunnel? and being honest about what you see a the end, and why you go in?

What happened as well, and has been happening for some time is the fact that I don’t listen to radio anymore. I used to do this all the time, but since I live on my own I don’t own a radio and there is too much talking and advertising for me to tolerate it on headphones or my laptop- too close. What happens though when I listen to the radio once in like 3 months I learn about all kinds of new music! well. must say, music I didn’t know yet. One of the things I was surprised by was ‘weak‘ of AJR. The sound is a bit like 21 pilots so of course I like it, but I was struck by the lyrics.  Yesterday morning I woke up with the song in my mind but I did not remember the chorus entirely. In my mind, it was ‘I’m free, and what’s wrong with that-boy oh boy I love it when I fall for that.‘ Thing is of course it is ‘I’m weak- and what’s wrong with that.’ The song refers to sips, kisses, hits etc. that should have not happened by saying ‘no thank you’ but instead the singer gives in to temptation. I’m weak and what’s wrong with that, and I think the second parts means I love when I fall for the temptation and enjoy this sip/kiss etc. Thing is having read makkelijk leven it gets another meaning. It refers to falling for the lie that there is nothing wrong with being weak, or like I rewrote the song in my mind ‘free’.

The story continues. When home I decided to google the lyrics to the song of AJR. I didn’t know the title of the song so I just googled ‘I’’m weak and whats wrong with that’. Interestingly enough I came unto the lyrics of ‘what’s wrong with that’ from Blyss. Now I don’t know the song or the band but I was intrigued by the lyrics because they were so different from what I read in ‘makkelijk leven’ or ‘weak’ of AJR. Where the book of Herman Koch and the song of AJR talk about utter disconnection and giving into what is best for you ‘what’s wrong with that’ is about connection. Asking questions rather than saying ‘bad for me, but I give in so easily’ – why is it bad for me, and how can I get something better?

How did I end up here?
Closer to nowhere and in the middle of nothing
And I am one step back from where I was
Spinning in circles gets old after a while

Cause maybe someday I can learn to trust you
Just stop thinking with my head
Cause maybe someday I can learn to let go
I lose control and that’s okay with me
I lose control and tell me what is wrong with that? – Blyss, What’s wrong with that.

I’ll leave you with that.

Crisis

You know those 5 minutes in between thoughts when you’re writing something very important that should soon be finished? I use them for existential crisis’s. thinking of reasons why I suck as a human being at my life seems so much more fun than actually working on getting my thoughts on paper. Ahwell. We can always write our thoughts online unapologaticly.

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Sometimes writing down academic thoughts feel like eating the stuf that ended up next to the garbage. Fresh new thought seem so much more attractive!