I thought loneliness would beat fear, but they make friends and bring them all here.

With a team we are working on a creative morning with art, questions and conversation: Quo Vadis Café. The newest edition is about fear. It’s called ‘to fear or not to fear’. This morning I found myself thinking: I should post something, I should write something on the Facebook page to remind people that we’re doing this, and that it is going to be great. I was searching my mind for quotes or lyrics that I could use to promote the event. I thought of the lines that are now the title of this blogpost:  it is a line from the ‘fair’ song ‘taking risks. It is a rather sad song, and to some might sound quite depressing. Yet I have held on to this song when I was down, and in a way it helped me accept the things that I was dealing with, or rather helped me accept that life is sometimes hard, and that it is sad, and that that is ok. The refrain:

Everyone gets over this, they move along,t

hey take some risks.

All I want comes easily, 

to everyone surrounding me.

Dripping. Like fear, it has fuzzy edges

 

I think that the song is about a failed relationship, ‘I could never see it your way, I could never let go’. It is sad when we try to connect, but it doesn’t seem to work out, not one way, not another, you are stuck. Yet in the very depressing title: that suggest that loneliness cannot beat fear but makes it worse, is also a hope: you don’t have to cut yourself off of all other people, all opportunities to experience love. In my experience: even though some relationships seem like continuous heartbreak, it does not mean all relationships are. Actually one of the things that does beat fear is a proven alternative: the experience that taught you fear is not all there is. There is hope.

Yet it is so important to know and sing the sad songs. I saw some kind of documentary about how we do not tolerate anger in our society ánd ways to let all that anger out. Same goes for fear sadness and loss. To know what you feel in all its depth and desperation, that is something very valuable. When you google ‘fear quotes’ most of them are about how fear is to be overcome, an opportunity or false evidence appearing real. Perhaps all of that is very true and very important, but most of all fear, loneliness and their friends are things that are with us. They are with us and it is valuable to acknowledge that. Alone, but yet as important to be honest about it with others, to show each other empathy. The acknowledgement of having no courage creates the opportunity for another to build your faith, by acknowledging the faith they have in you. The friends you make when you are vulnerable, when you are in loneliness and fear may prove the most powerful relationships. It is like how it is easy to understand a compliment when you agree with it, but it is truly precious when you learn something from it: learn that another sees beauty that is so hard to behold yourself. Perhaps loneliness can’t beat fear, but luckily it doesn’t have to.

I see beauty in you//It’s going to be a while

I think it came up before, but I tend to be quite unorganised in my choices. and sometimes these choices turn out great. I don’t know when but some years ago I found out about this great (legal) music download platform: Noise trade. Now this blogpost is not really an advertisement, but rather a product of found inspiration. Via Noise trade I found out about the band ‘Fever Fever’ and I loved it ever since I randomly downloaded their album ‘Native colour’. These are amazing acoustic recordings that have a feeling of sunshine, summer and outdoors. This week the band presented ‘native colour IÍ’ again free on noise trade, so I would say: go get it. Anyways: inspiration. The title of this blog consists of 2 parts of the lyrics to the song ‘blue’: ‘I see beauty in you, even when your down in shades of blue’ & ‘If you’re looking for a break in the clouds It’s going to be awhile’  I think the experience of beauty is remarkable. Immanuel Kant dedicated one of his books to it: beauty and the sublime. I once wrote an essay about how Immanuel Kant’s philosophy about beauty relates to one of the Stedelijk museum for modern arts directors Willem Sandberg. Sandberg writes not about beauty,  but about how love is the same as art. Sandberg writes:

how can I describe this very personal emotion?

                Everyone who feels it speaks of beauty,

                Splendor, but . . .

                               love and art have nothing to do with beauty

‘This very personal emotion.’ Kant describes that thinking something is beautiful is an experience, yet you take in as a fact. You want everyone to know this, you expect that everyone will recognise the thing you find beautiful as exactly that: beautiful. However, Kant states that beauty is subjective, and as such is not a fact that can be proved. Even though beauty is not factual Kant reserves a place for beauty and the sublime in his works about the ability to judge.

It is curious don’t you think? beauty is such a subjective thing yet it can fill us with joy and desire and comfort. It seems to have no use in the survival of everyday yet it is so essential to our happiness. Seeing beauty, having this very personal perspective on the world seems vital. This is so personal,  like the words of Solomon: Your joy is your own; your bitterness is your own. No one can share them with you.(proverbs 14:10). Yet the experience of beauty and joy give us a feeling of belonging. A feeling of shouting it from the rooftops, or nowadays: post it on Instagram.

Yet. The Fever Fever song goes on and I wrote on: it’s going to be a while. I have a lot going on these days. Sometimes you’d wish that seeing the beauty in struggle will make it disappear, but it rarely does. Yet there is hope: ‘i see beauty in you, even though you are down in shades of blue, and you are waiting for a break in the clouds but it will be awhile for you.’ It will take a while, but the sun will come out. And you’ll love it for it: not because you see it, but because of how it will enlighten your world once again.

 

Growing and milestones: the real world

Crazy how it goes. Seeing yourself grow. I remember not being able to knit. At all. Now probably most of you think. well, uh duh, who can knit nowadays? but for a kid like me that loved sewing crocheting and all things creative this was kind of a ‘problem’. So I decided to teach myself knitting. Sure, for a long time the effort was not really fruitful, but at some point I learned myself knitting. A whole new way of knitting: something experienced knitters can see in a second of my working. Point is: I don’t feel like a knitter, but I have quite a few hours on my needles (100+ thanks to series+knitting), and I’m learning more and more. It is a strange and wonderful moment when you feel and see your dreams and wishes becoming reality: for me mostly creative dreams, but it is not limited to that: doing the internship you wanted, going on a trip that you dreamed about, clearly explaining something you could only hope to one day understand.

For me this growing and milestones has a lot to do with insecurity and fear. Even for someone like me who often thinks ‘I think I’m able to do that myself as well’ uncertainty can hold me back. So what is the milestone that made me write this blog?  It might not seem like a lot, but I (accidently) provided artwork for the new flyer for ‘Quo Vadis Café’ an event we’re organising with a group people. For some reason I always thought: a graphic designer needs to do this. But for keeping up the Facebook page I needed an image, so I created something. The others who I was working with liked it enough to use it for the flyer, so here we are.

It is all small steps. I’m not the greatest knitter, and I’m not all the sudden the most talented graphic designer. It’s strange, doing something, achieving something you did not think was on the menu, grows your confidence and allows your mind to grow more dreams. Our society increases awareness of having dreams, sometimes suggesting that the one thing you dream of when pursuit is the going to be the greatest thing the world has ever seen. To me, that’s not so important, for me true joy and miracles lay in seeds in remembering and cherishing them. Watching them grow, being amazed at how fruitful little dreams can be.