So. like I’ve written before sometimes you read back your own words and you are surprised.. Today I found myself having written the word disalluted. For your information, this is not actually a word. And honestly I don’t really know what I meant with the letters. I wrote it on my non-smartphone cell and perhaps it was a mix up due to the fact that one digit accounts for at least 3 letters. However, looking at the context of the word it’s not really clear what it is supposed to mean. I wrote the word in a poem on my phone 6 months ago and I have no idea why I wrote it or exactly what it is about but it intrigues me.
All the safety that I had
I disalluted with the tears.
I don’t know where to go from here
and fear keeps marching in
reminds me of my sins and
all our lost and unworthiness.
Today I like to dissect the words in this poem. They might not all be intended this way, I copy this straight from my phone and sometimes it is not in there ‘the right way’ form the beginning. At the same time I mostly write on my phone when I ‘have’ to write, so this was no intentional poem. Yet I find it very interesting. Firstly the word disalluted. It relates to tears, and to safety. The tears disalluted all the safety that I had. When you google disalluted google suggests disallowed. When first reading the word I thought since it was linked to tears it should be diluted. All the safety I had I diluted with the tears. All the safety I had I disallowed with the tears. The Merriam Webster dictionary gives Denied as a synonym for disallowed. All the safety I had I denied with the tears. again via the Meriam Webster site diluted can mean diminished strength. All the safety I had I diminished its strength with the tears. These tears are very strong. They seem to diminish the strength of safety. The first sentence in itself sounds very hopeless. I destroyed with emotion all the emotional safety that I had. This is a heavy statement. Why was the safety so fragile? why were the tears so terrible and strong?
We find ourselves in this perception that these tears, this sign of weakness perhaps took away our safety and made us vulnerable. It is unclear the writer does not know where to go from here, and it seems that there is a good motivation to leave because: Fear keeps marching in. And the fear reminds the author of something that cannot be run from, from which the only way to be free of it is forgiveness: Sins. In the last line we find another sentence with unclear meaning for the first time introduces someone else than the author. Perhaps the one ‘who made’ the author cry? All our lost and unworthiness. This is not actually a Grammarly correct sentence, but I suggest that the words should be ‘broken up’ differently. All our lost and unworthi-ness. All our lostness and all our unworthiness.
Even though I wrote the words I don’t know what they mean. Perhaps they are partly real emotion, and partly a play with words. Emotion can feel like a threat to safety, having sinned, being lost (together) and unworthiness are heavy things. Perhaps the clue to the poem is like I was taught the other day, in the middle of this ‘psalm’.
I don’t know where to go from here, and fear keeps marching in.
The lostness in the last sentence relates to the statement of unclarity in this sentence. And at the same time we see the clue yet much clearer. Fear. Some identify fear as False Evidence Appearing Real. It would surely help understanding the poem. It proves that the sin, the unworthiness, the lostness, the lost safety and the destroying tears not necessarily a given. But the fear that keeps on marching in affirms the idea that ll is lost putting the writer in a conundrum. Not knowing where to go from here. Knowing that fear is the main player in this poem redefines the other words in in the poem. The safety is not lost. The tears are not the cause of loss of safety. it is only fear that reminds us of sin, lostness and unworthiness. It is not a great compass on deciding ‘where to go from here’. But perhaps the author doesn’t have to go, rather she should stay and redefine the space she’s in, through getting rid of the fear. . ‘Solving’ the word ‘Disaluted’ is interesting, yet it is more interesting to define the meaning of the poem, and how the meaning is influenced by our or the author’s perception. It even may call us to ‘answer’ the prayer: don’t be afraid. Don’t run, all is not lost, and don’t be afraid of the tears, it’s scarier when you can’t be vulnerable.
Thanks for bearing with me for this experimental dissection of an unclear poem! Hope it inspires you to look at words more closely, and perhaps even dissect and redefine the words inside of you. Redefine how you feel!